MICHAEL'S RANT: FAVORITE SIMPSONS POLITICAL QUOTES

"An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?"

-Barney Gumble about to watch Mr. Burns' election ad at Moe's in "Two Cars In Every Garage, Three Eyes On Every Fish"

"Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns!"

-Jingle for Mr. Burns' campaign in "Two Cars In Every Garage, Three Eyes On Every Fish"

Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.

Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.

Homer: Oh, yeah? Well, I'M a Burns Booster. (pins on a Burns campaign button) Ow!

-After watching Burns' campaign advertisement in "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are up six points.

Burns: Ah, giving me a total of...

Advisor: Six.

-Burns talking to his political team in "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

"My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgement."

-Gov. Mary Bailey responding to Mr. Burns' ad in "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish"

Burns: Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey?

Advisor 2: Well, we've gone through her garbage

Advisor 3: We've talked to her maid.

Advisor 2: And so far, the only negative thing we've found is from some guy who dated her when she was sixteen.

Burns: Ah. And?

Advisor 3: He, uh, he felt her up.

Burns: Bah! Not good enough!

-Burns talking with his advisors in "Two Cars In Every Garage, Three Eyes On Every Fish"

"Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!"

-Mr. Burns walking away after he's lost the Springfield Gubernatorial Election in "Two Cars In Every Garage, Three Eyes On Every Fish"

"I can't believe it. The system actually works."

-Lisa Simpson after learning that a crooked Senator is arrested, tried, and jailed all in the same day in "Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington"

Kent Brockman (On TV): And on a scary note, the Presidential Primaries are just a few months away. (chuckles)

Homer: Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.

-"Treehouse Of Horror II"

Bart: "Hey four eyes, Vote Quimby! Hey lame-o, Vote Quimby!"

Lisa: "This time he's the lesser of two evils."

Bart and Lisa trying to get incumbent Mayor Joe Quimby (D) re-elected in "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

"The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield Mayoral Debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now, a word to our audience: even though we're being broadcast on Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering."

-Larry King addressing the crowd before the Springfield Mayor Debate and crowd responds with obnoxious hooting and hollering in "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Homer: "Hmmm.... I don't approve of his Bart Killing Plan, but I do approve of his Selma Killing Plan."

Krusty: "Well, he did frame me for armed robbery, but man am I aching for that upper class tax cut."

Voters justifying their votes for Mayoral Candidate "Sideshow" Bob Terwiliger (R) in "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

"I don't think Bob won that election legally. I mean how does one convicted felon get so many votes while another convicted felon get so few?"

-Lisa Simpson questioning the results of the Mayoral Election in "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

"I've never gone behind Mr. Burns's back before, but Bob's ultraconservative views conflicted with my... choice of lifestyle."

-Mr. Smithers explaining why he is helping Bart and Lisa discover the truth behind Sideshow Bob's victory in "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

"Oh, no! The dead have risen! And they're voting Republican!"

-Bart Simpson after discovering Sideshow Bob voter Edgar Neubauer is dead in "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

"I've said it once and I'll say it again: Democracy doesn't work."

-Kent Brockman after the US Congress defeats a bill to evacuate Springfield from destruction by a comet after adding another bill to support the perverted arts in "Bart's Comet"

"Well, this reporter was...possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to...reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now."

-Kent Brockman, retracting a statement welcoming alien ants as the new overlords of plant Earth in "Deep Space Homer"

"When will people learn: Democracy doesn't work!"

-Homer Simpson after Propostion 24 passes by overwhellming support in "Much Apu About Nothing"

“Oh, no. Aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies. Oh, my God, Lyndon LaRouche was right!”

-Homer Simpson witnessing the kidnapping of President Clinton and Senator Dole in "Treehouse of Horror VII- Citizen Kang"

"I am Clin-Ton. As Overlord all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End Communication."

-Kodos disgusied as President Clinton in "Treehouse of Horror VII- Citizen Kang"

Kent Brockman (on TV): Senator Dole, why should people vote for you instead of President Clinton?

Kang (on TV): It makes no difference which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed! DOOMED!

Kent Brockman (on TV): Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole!

Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror!

Kent Brockman interviews Kang in Bob Dole disguise on TV in "Treehouse of Horror VII- Citizen Kang"

The American Political Process in 18 seconds…

"My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!"

-Kodos disguised as President Clinton giving a debate speech in "Treehouse Of Horror VII- Citizen Kang"

Clinton: You know, Senator, being in suspended animation gave me time to think. Partisan politics are tearing our country apart.

Dole: You got a point there, Bill. If you and I are gonna whup these one-eyed space fellas, we're gonna have to set aside our differences.

Clinton: Together, we can lead America into a new Golden Age!

Dole: Friend, you got a deal.

-conversation between President Bill Clinton and Senator Bob Dole before Homer accidentally jettisons them into space in "Treehouse of Horror VII- Citizen Kang"

Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again! Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ka-- I mean, Bob Dole! (receives applause)

Kodos: I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath. (also receives applause)

-Kang and Kodos disguised as Bob Dole and Bill Clinton giving their pre-election speeches in "Treehouse of Horror VII- Citizen Kang"

Kodos: "It's true, we are aliens! But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system - you have to vote for one of us!"

Crowd: (murmurs) "He's right, this is a two-party system."

Man In Crowd: "Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate."

Kang: "Go ahead, throw your vote away." (Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally)

"Treehouse of Horror VII- Citizen Kang"

Burns: People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by!

Grampa: Oh, hot-diggity! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche!

-Mr. Burns encouraging his recycling employees, the residents of the Retirement Castle, to work harder "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Moe: How many people want to abolish democracy forever? Show of hands?

Carl: I could go for some kind of military thing, like Juan Peron. When he disappeared you, you stayed disappeared.

Lenny: Plus his wife was Madonna.

-Electorate in Springfield discussing alternatives to democracy in "E Pluribus Wiggum"

Lisa: Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!

Homer: Lisa, being President is easy! You just point the Army and shoot!

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution, you have to be 35!

Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Homer (mockingly): Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? (high-fives Bart)

-Ralph Wiggum is announced as the winner of the Springfield Primary Election in "E Pluribus Wiggum"

Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie, you've invited to two parties: one with a donkey, and one with an elephant. Who do you like?

Ralph: Elmo?

Kent Brockman: Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, President Nixon's Chief of Naval Operations. So, Ralph's a Republican!

Lou: Not so fast Kent. Zumwalt ran for the Senate in '76, as a Democrat.

Chief Wiggum: No, you're thinking of Admiral Hyman Rickover.

Lou: The father of the nuclear navy? As if!

Chief Wiggum: Only one place to settle this! To the offices of the World Book Encyclopedia! (Lou and Chief Wiggum enter a squad car and drive off)

-Ralph Wiggum is announced the winner of the Springfield Primary Election and trying to determine what party he should run for in "E Pluribus Wiggum" (this made me laugh and shudder all at the same time)